Alison Thompson - Bereavement Expert

I have been a bereavement practitioner working with children, young people, adults and families for over seven years. Upon graduating I worked with bereaved children and young people aged eleven to eighteen who had been excluded from school and mainstream education and were within the Criminal Justice System. Many of the children and young people that I worked with cited the death of someone close being the main reason why they became involved in anti social behaviour and crime. From there I took up the position of Resettlement Manager in an adult male prison working with offenders enabling them to examine their behaviour with particular focus on how childhood bereavement and unresolved / complicated grief had contributed to their offending. I returned to community work two and a half years later to co-manage a local programme working with children, families and communities infected and affected with HIV and AIDS. My role was to coordinate the programme and provide one to one counselling support to those people who had recently been diagnosed with HIV, people who were coming to the end of their lives and those children and families bereaved through AIDS. I have enjoyed a varied career working within custodial and community settings overseeing projects and working directly with people from all cross sections of society who have either been bereaved or are facing death.

I am currently employed by Cruse Bereavement Care, the leading national bereavement charity, as the Children and Young People’s Service and Development Manager for England. My role is to ensure that children and young people living in England have access to support when they have been bereaved through the death of someone close. I am also responsible for providing information to parents and carers of bereaved children and young people as well as school staff and other professionals, via our new website which will soon be launched.

I have seen first hand how bereavement can affect children and young people and I have witnessed the devastation it can cause to an individual’s life without access to support or understanding. I am passionate about supporting people, particularly children and young people, who have been bereaved through the death of someone close and I am keen to move childhood bereavement in to the public arena.

Question
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Q. I think it must be the time of year, but I keep getting upset when I think of my wife who died 7 years ago now. She always loved christmas, and she would love to be hear now with our daughter (who is 13 this year). I thought I had done all the greiving - but it seems to be getting worse just now. Is this normal?
A. Thank you for your message. Firstly I would like to offer you my sincerest condolences on the loss of your wife. People tend to grieve in very different ways and it is quite natural for you to feel that you had completed your grieving only for it to return seven years later. Christmas can be a difficult and upsetting time when you have lost someone as the loss can appear more acute and your loved one’s absence is greater felt. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time limit. Many of the bereaved people I have worked with say that although they have accepted their loss they never fully stop grieving for their loved one and certain dates such as anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas can make them feel as raw and upset as they felt in the immediate aftermath of the death. I think your concern that your grief “seems to be getting worse” is a completely normal response as we move in to the lead up to Christmas. Just be gentle on yourself and try not to deny how you are feeling. Your daughter will be feeling her mum’s loss too and I would encourage you both to share how you are feeling with each other and support each other at this sad time. Your daughter will probably review the loss of her mum as she matures and moves towards adulthood. It is really important for you both to be able to communicate how you are feeling and to understand that you both may revisit your grief as time goes by. Your strong feelings of loss should ease as Christmas passes. If you are still worried then please do not hesitate to contact me again and I can put you in touch with a specially trained Cruse bereavement volunteer in your area who can offer you one to one support.

Take a look at our website www.cruse.org.uk for further advice. Your daughter might like to take a look at our children and young people’s website www.rd4u.org.uk

I hope my reply has helped.

Warmest wishes,

Alison.
Q. My brother Jack died three months ago in a car crash and he was very close to my five year old daughter Milly. Since his death Milly has been looking for her Uncle Jack and asking so many questions about the body and the burial. Milly is refusing to go to school and has started wetting the bed. What can I do?
A. My brother Jack died three months ago in a car crash and he was very close to my five year old daughter Milly. Since his death Milly has been looking for her Uncle Jack and asking so many questions about the body and the burial. Milly is refusing to go to school and has started wetting the bed. What can I do?

Answer: Milly is at a stage in her development where she probably does not understand that death is irreversible and will search for Uncle Jack as she thinks he will be coming back. At the age of five children who have lost someone close often think that death is temporary and can be found looking for the person who has died in toy boxes, under beds and the like. The fact that Milly is asking so many questions about her uncle’s body and the burial would indicate that she thinks he will come back. I know these questions must be painful for you but try to explain to Milly as truthfully as you can that Uncle Jack has died which means that he doesn’t breathe or need food any more and that he won’t be able to come back. Try not to be tempted to tell Milly that Uncle Jack is sleeping as she could develop problems with sleeping and may constantly ask when Uncle Jack will wake up. It is helpful to reassure Milly that Uncle Jack won’t be coming back but that he is OK where he is and that there are still lots of people including yourself who will be there to love and care for her. Explaining to Milly in a way she will understand, that people die and that it is painful for those left behind, will let her know she can ask questions when she needs to and that how she is feeling is OK. Have a word with Milly’s school to let them know about your bereavement and ask them to keep an eye on Milly whilst she is at school. Explain that Milly is anxious at being separated from you and probably feels different to her classmates because of the loss. It is not uncommon for children who have lost someone close not to want to leave the house in case anything bad happens whilst they are away. Therefore reassure Milly that you will be OK whilst she is away and will be there when she returns from school. Bedwetting can be a sign of regression and can be common amongst many bereaved children. Milly is probably exhibiting other such behaviours that you might have thought she had grown out of as well such as thumb sucking or baby talk. This is likely to be because Milly is subconsciously re-enacting behaviours from a time in her development prior to the bereavement when she felt safe. It is important to reassure Milly that this is OK and is a normal reaction to the loss of someone close. As Milly comes to accept Uncle Jack’s death these behaviours including the bedwetting should disappear. The most important things you can do to help Milly are to let her know that she can talk to you about the death and ask questions. Tell Milly the truth about what has happened in a way that she will be able to understand. Try not to hide your own tears as Milly will try and hide hers too and neither of you will be able to grieve. Try not to be surprised if Milly appears sad one minute and then engrossed in play the next. This is natural for young children as they do not have the emotional reserves to grieve continuously. Milly will probably revisit her grief as she grows older and discovers more about life and death but if you can be there to talk to her and remember Uncle Jack together, Milly will be in a better position to develop emotionally and socially. It is also important that you look after yourself as well. If things are getting on top of you or you need to talk about the loss of your brother contact Cruse Bereavement Care who will be able to put you in touch with a specially trained bereavement volunteer in your area. Cruse Bereavement Care also provides similar support to children if you feel this might help Milly.