Joy Hazlehurst - Parenting Expert

Divorced when my sons were three and six years old I began the long haul of parenting them by myself.

In order to provide for my boys I worked as a Childminder for ten years, caring for over 50 children between the ages 3 months and 14 years, endeavouring to be as flexible as possible to fit in with their parents needs. For five years during this time I also worked in a shop at the weekends, thereby covering 58 hours per week!

Once my sons were in their teens I began working within the local Social Services Family Centre (Child Protection) as a Care Worker; co-running groups, offering respite and generally supporting families. During my seven years there I undertook much training and completed my NVQ Level 2 in Childcare & Education.

Feeling a need to work more therapeutically with young people I began studying to be a Counsellor, qualifying in 2001. I became accredited with our governing body The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy in 2004.

I have continued with my professional development, including achieving seven levels of Triple ‘P’ the Positive Parenting Programme which was brought over to the UK from Australia by The Children’s Fund in about 2002. I have researched into the affect of ‘Food’ on our ‘Mood and Behaviour’.

Since 1984 I have worked in statutory, educational, charity plus private settings and have my independent therapeutic practice in Sandbach, Cheshire.

I am very proud to say that my sons, who are now 27 and 30 have both achieved academically plus professionally and are happily married. I am now blessed to be embarking on the next stage of this difficult but delightful journey as ‘Grand-Parent’.

Question
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Q. I type this while crying! I am a single Mum with one child. Bethany. She's six. The thing is last week I shouted at her in such a horrible way (really scremed at her), that she turned white white with fear. I was stressed with money problems. my ex gives me no money to look after her and it looks like we may need to move from our rented flat too. But the way I shouted at her is horrible. I feel so guilty I keep on crying. Bethany is OK now. But it's me who feels like i am just the worst mum ever. How can I make it up to her?
A. Goodness you are being hard on yourself! You are not the first or last lovely Mum to scream at her child through frustration and exhaustion, so please let the guilt go as it is a waste of your precious energy.
As for making it up to Bethany, you are clear on the fact that she is OK now. Just lots of affection at a level you are both comfy with; hugs, smiles and telling her you love her plus descriptive praise whenever she does something you want to see more of “thanks for helping me put the shopping away, it’s done in half the time”, is all that is needed.
My concern is for you. I wonder if you have emailed the Finance or Debt Experts our ‘Only Mums Panel’ or had a chat with the Citizens Advice Bureau regarding your financial situation. Any chance of a little job in Bethany’s school or similar to fit in with her school hours?

More importantly what do you do just for you? Time for you is not a luxury it’s a necessity to prevent burn-out. This does not have to cost you anything either. Whilst Bethany is at school: a long gorgeous bubbly bath; walk in a park (nature is a wonderful healer); coffee morning with some friends; have a look in the local library to see what free groups are running that you may be interested in. What support systems do you have, family, friends, neighbours that you can call on for a bit of emotional, physical or financial help? I am not kidding; time-out just for you is vital, so please look after Your-Self.
Parenting tips taken from Triple ‘P’
Q. I need some advice, I am loosing control of my three year old! She has two older brothers and has become so difficult, one of the things she does is just scream at an incredible pitch for what appears to be no particular reason. She just thinks it's funny if I ask her to be quiet. She has also just started to be really difficut about going to bed, after putting her to bed, reading stories etc she comes down stairs three or four times. I am at my wit's end and exhuasted!

A. I am splitting your query in two and answering the ‘screaming’ and ‘bed-time’ difficulties separately. I understand how exhausted you must be feeling right now and the solutions will take a good deal more patience and energy but if you hang on in there it will be worth it.

As far as the screaming is concerned I suggest instead of telling her to be quiet, just say “I will talk to you when you speak to me quietly” and just ignore the screaming (or laughing) until she stops, then immediately interact with her. Initially, she will probably up the decibels but in time she will learn that screaming does not get your attention; talking in a quiet voice does. This will take a lot of resilience on your behalf but as long as she is not in any pain/danger ‘planned ignoring’ is the best policy.

Again her constantly coming down at bed-time has taught her that she can get your attention for just a few more minutes; even though it may be negative attention! Once the usual bed-time routine is complete and when she comes down stairs do not get into conversation with her, simply take her back to her bed and the first time say “it is time for bed, please stay in your bed” then leave the room. Thereafter say nothing; just return her to her bed. Do not switch lights, make a fuss or get into conversation with her. You will probably have to do this many times over several nights, try to be patient as it does work. Needless to say ensure that your daughter has not had a nightmare, is wet or needs the loo but do not put these thoughts in her head by asking, as her Mum you will know. Once she starts to stay in her room, in the morning make a big fuss of her saying how proud you are that she stayed in her bed/room.

Keep instructions positive; say what you want to see her doing rather than stopping and as much as possible use your own words to make it sound and feel more natural.

Strategies taken from Triple P – Positive Parenting Programme.

Q. My 14 year old daughter has starting hanging around the village with a young girl that all parents think is 'bad news', I can't stop her from seeing her but I am very worried about the influence she is already having on her, her language and attitude has really changed and I don't know how to talk to her about what is happening.
A. You do not say why this girl is considered ‘bad news’ by all parents so it is difficult for me to understand fully what your daughters change in attitude is. I guess when you talk of her language changing you mean swearing.

For teenagers it is a very fine line between parents parenting and nagging. The best way initially to win your daughter over is to give her loads of descriptive praise, which means every time you experience her doing or saying something you would like to see more of, tell her in a very genuine way: “thanks for helping me put the shopping away love” or “the way you spoke to your brother/sister/Dad/me was lovely just then, thanks” etc., of course it needs to be in your own words. Believe it or not parents are still very important to teenagers and they do want to feel they are pleasing and loved by us; we all respond well to praise and want more!

The other important thing is to give your youngster quality time which means to be interested and available whenever she wants to tell or show you something, if it is impossible to stop what you are doing immediately then tell her you just need to finish “?” and you will be with her in 5/10 minutes ... then be there!

When there is plenty of descriptive praise and quality time the teenager will be more open to accepting anything else you want to say. For instance, “it may be acceptable when hanging around with your mates to swear (nearly all do it) but please talk politely to family and friends”. If she does continue to swear at you then just say “I will talk to you/help you when you speak to me politely” then blank her (unless of course it is dangerous to do so!) The same goes for the change in attitude; this is such a broad word it is difficult to help you with examples. Try not to slate the offending girl as this will probably get your daughters back up and make her rebel.

The most important things to remember when doing any of the above is to stay calm, be genuine and understand that teenagers frequently fall in with a friend or crowd that we would not choose for them if we had any say in the matter. Being there for our youngsters does not mean we have to accept inappropriate language and behaviour towards ourselves or those around us. Finally it does not matter what all parents think, families have different standards and values to which they are entitled, what matters is what is important within your family.

Regards, Joy
Q. QUESTION:
My 10 year old son is aggressive and hyperactive; he is constantly in trouble at school. I have tried to be calm and understanding, I have tried shouting at him and grounding him, I am at the end of my tether and don’t know what else to do, he is out of control. He’s been a nightmare for as long as I can remember and I cannot pin-point a reason for his being like this; do you think he has ADHD, the G.P. says not?

A. Whenever a parent brings a child to me for counselling who displays this negative behaviour and where there is no underlying issue like the birth of a sibling; a traumatic event; being bullied etc., the most likely cause is his diet. A diet which is sugar rich, processed, laden with preservatives and long words we cannot pronounce let alone understand what they mean is destined for disaster. If you imagine our bodies as a mass of finely tuned chemicals and each of us has a unique and perfect balance for our needs and we start adding unnecessary chemicals to our system then our balance becomes upset and this generally comes out in our emotions and/or behaviour, sadly the most common being aggression and hyperactivity; not just in children either! It is also important that we get the daily food intake right and rule of thumb is to ‘Breakfast like a King, Lunch like a Prince and Dinner like a Pauper’, i.e., eat heartily in the morning with smaller meals as we go through the day. In a nutshell make sure what you feed your child is as natural as possible, read labels and don’t buy anything with added extras we simply don’t need but have been put in to either heighten the flavour or extend the shelf life of the product. Equally important is what we drink, water, water, water please! Did you know a can of a popular fizzy drink contains around 10 teaspoons of sugar plus caffeine; no wonder we are on the ceiling and then drop like a bomb!