Toby Ingham - Relationship Expert

Becoming a single parent can be a very daunting situation. A parent can find themselves having to manage a powerful set of feelings sometimes involving emotions such as fear, shame and loneliness while at the same time they try to remain confident for their children.

A new chapter has opened up and sometimes it can be difficult knowing how to manage it for the best.

In my work a have a particular interest in helping people explore and resolve problems they encounter in their relationships with partners, with children, with parents with siblings and with friends, while at the same time they are trying to come to terms with new life circumstances.
Counselling & Psychotherapy offers a confidential setting in which you can explore your concerns, feelings and problems. It provides the opportunity to talk through issues that you may not feel free to discuss with anybody else.

I am a member of the Association of Independent Psychotherapists, a UKCP registered psychotherapist, and a BACP Member, & I work to both the UKCP and the BACP Code of Ethics.

Since February 2008 I have been writing a monthly psychotherapy and counselling column in the Beaconsfield Advertiser, examples of which can be viewed on this site.

Question
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Q. OK - I write this question with some embarrasment!
My wife left me and my young lad 3 years ago. We had been married for 9 years. I now know she had been carrying on behind my back and when I look back I know she had been lying to me for about 6 months until she left.

She hardly sees our boy now - although I see her around town having great fun with her new bloke.

My trouble is I think I want to find a new love - but when I say that, I know I don't really want to. I can't imagine settling down with anyone again. I find this confusion depressing and just wonder if it is normal for men like me?
A. I am glad that you have found the courage and confidence to write about your situation. It sounds like you and your son have been through an awful time.
The whole experience has left you confused and depressed and wondering whether your response is normal. I think it is entirely understandable that you feel like this, and I am not surprised that it is so difficult to move on.

It is not just that your marriage and family has broken down, it is also probable that this experience has left you feeling very betrayed, humiliated and ashamed. This experience would be difficult for anybody to come to terms with. It also sounds like your wife is behaving particularly unkindly towards you and your son and sort of rubbing your face in her new relationship now.

I think it could be very helpful to your son and to you to concentrate on your relationship for the time being, it must be hard for you watching how hard is for him too. The experience of betrayal and abandonment will have shaken you both and I think it is probably right that you take time to gradually let your confidence recover. You are both committed to each other and that is a very good thing.

You didn't see this coming and it makes me wonder about the kind of women you are attracted to. I think that it is a good thing that you are taking your time thinking about your next relationship. It may be that you get involved with women in such a way as to lose sight of important things and of a sense of what the relationship is like.
You and your son have been through a huge upset that you are still coming to terms with.

It has taken courage to write about this, but you have found the courage and taken that step. I think your feelings are normal and understandable. Good luck.

Q. Hi Toby - my ex did the dirty on me and ran off with another man. That was ten years ago now and in that time I have not been able to form a proper relationship with another woman. Is this normal?
A.